Legolas Jones' Diary
by LoveKittyPaw
Summary: Like Bridget Jones' Diary - But With Legolas! Please review!!!
1. Chapter One

Legolas Jones' Diary  
  
Hey! This is just an idea that popped into my head after reading Bridget Jones' Diary. I'm not sure if I want to continue it, so if you like it, review! Thanks a lot.  
  
Celeny  
  
  
  
~Day One  
  
Alcohol Units 0, (v.g., though not, however, because of self-control, but rather because nobody has anything to drink) Cigarettes 2, (g., am increasingly glad have thought ahead and brought three packs) Times Aragorn has given me a creepy 'come hither' glance 27  
  
11:05 a.m.: Am just hiding behind rock having a fag. Aragorn keeps giving me penetrating stares, which is v. unnerving. Just when finally think it is safe to look in his direction, he raises his eyebrow suggestively. Think Aragorn is gay. Though gayness in itself is not a flaw (best friend Haldir is gay) is definitely a flaw when am straight and want to have functional relationship with adult female. Think will just smoke a bit more.  
  
12:45 p.m.: Walking, walking, walking. Think that is all we will ever do. Simply walk and walk until the lot of us drop dead from exhaustion and the ring will be lost forever under our decomposing bodies. Saw Sam giving Frodo same exact look Aragorn was giving me. Is everyone in this Fellowship gay?!  
  
2:27 p.m.: Was just thinking about last relationship. Was going out with girl and everything seemed fine, but then girl said was 'too needy'. Needy? Perhaps should read a bit more of 'Learning to Love Yourself'.  
  
2:48 p.m.: You see? Hah! Do not need relationship. Just need to love myself rather like that Mariah Carey song says. But Mariah Carey did have a nervous breakdown after boyfriend left her. Hmmm. Maybe Mariah Carey is not best role model for relationships.  
  
2:49 p.m.: Maybe Britney Spears, then. Oooo no. Just broke up with Justin Timberlake. Feel as if Music Industry is falling down around self.  
  
5:16 p.m.: Just overheard frightful Hobbit conversation with elf hearing. Went like this: Merry: So what do think of the rest of the fellowship? Frodo: Well, Gimli is a bit strange. Like he would encourage weird sexual practices. (Precisely what I thought!) Pippin: MMhmm. What about Aragorn? Frodo: Aragorn? Well, obviously, he's gay. (Aha! Knew it!) Sam: Did you see how he kept looking at Legolas? Merry: To be honest, Legolas seemed to be enjoying it. (Gaahhhh! No!!) Pippin: I thought we already decided that Legolas was gay too? Sam: But I heard he had a girlfriend. Maybe he's one of those 'bisexuals', you know. (No! No! No!)  
  
Think am just going to have another fag. 


	2. Chapter Two

*Author's Note* Thank you all SO MUCH for reviewing! It makes me UNIMAGINABLY HAPPY!! : ) Individual thanks are at the end of the chapter, read on, and REVIEW!!! Please!!! PLEASE!!!!!!  
~Day Two  
  
Alcohol Units God only knows how many, Cigarettes 32, (v.v. bad) Meaningful Almost-Conversations With Aragorn 1, Times have hidden from wild animals (e.g., crebain) 4  
  
6:01 a.m.: Was just woken up Boromir's insanely loud snoring. It's as if every time he inhales his nose ripples like an unruly pond or similar body of water. Oh well. Will just try to go back to sleep.  
  
6:03 a.m.: Right. Will be falling asleep any time now.  
  
6:04 a.m.: Any time.  
  
6:05 a.m.: Cannot fall back asleep. Just noticed there is a funny rock pushing into back. Will just move over a bit and get back to sleep.  
  
6:07 a.m.: Wiggled over to new spot and discovered an equally or even more annoying funny rock pressing into back. Am surrounded by funny rocks. Must just take a deep breath and focus. Right. Am in Buddha-like nirvana state.  
  
6:08 a.m. :Bloody self-help books. Realized that should really read self- help book entitled 'Learning to Love Funny Rocks.'  
  
6:10 a.m.: Just. Wish. Boromir. Would. Bloody. Stop. Snoring.  
  
6:11 a.m.: Remembered a mantra I read in 'Ten Ways to a Better You' and thought perhaps it would be a good way to relax if simply replaced the words a bit. Right. Here goes. I do not care about Boromir's snoring. I do not care about Boromir's snoring. I am not upset by trivial things. I must just take a cleansing breath- Gahhhh!!!!!  
  
2:40 p.m.: Was Gimli, eyes popping open in exorcist-style manner and glaring at me from beneath unruly eyebrows as if I was spawn of Satan of similar.  
  
"Elf," He growled, in a deep voice that reminded me vaguely of what Michael Douglas would sound like if he took steroids, "for the love of all things sacred, stop moving around!" Grrrr. Stupid dwarf.  
  
Feeling quite grumpy now, with no sleep, strange rocks in back, and v. loud snoring, I decided to make myself feel a bit better by having a fag and combing out my hair. I was just hiding behind a rock and putting in some L'Oreal leave-in conditioner when I saw some weird black shapes in the sky.  
  
"Hey everyone, d'you know," I said pointing, "There's some funny black things in the sky." Aragorn looked over, quickly giving me another penetrating stare.  
  
"Its just clouds. Honestly." Said Gimli gruffly, going back to reading his book. He had gone to great trouble to hide the title from us, but when he had trotted off to use the loo I coolly snuck over to have a look. 'Dwarf women with beards - bikini issue. Special video offer bonus!' Hahahaha. KNEW he encouraged weird sexual practices.  
  
"No, it's moving to fast to be clouds." I persisted sulkily, as Boromir came up behind me.  
  
"Crebain! From Dublin!" he yelled in a high-pitched voice, scampering off to hide in the underbrush. Not exactly the hero-type that one, is he? The rest of us scattered and found places that would cover us. The birds flew menacingly by, cawing and screeching, when I realized with a quick burst of horror that I had left my hair straightener out, unprotected, among our things!  
  
"My hair straightener!" I said, disregarding my own safety for that of my hair products.  
  
"No Legolas! Don't be a hero!" Aragorn yelled frantically, bursting out of the underbrush and intercepting my sprint like some kind of football quarterback. My hand desperately flayed for the hair straightener as he knocked into me like something out of The Matrix. I tumbled to the ground as the crebain were caught in his billowing unwashed hair. They croaked in horror, trying to break free. By the time they had extracted themselves and flown away, giving Aragorn a dirty look that reassured us all that their fear of Aragorn's hair meant they wouldn't be coming back anytime soon, I stood up and awkwardly brushed myself off, trying not to meet (another) of Aragorn's penetrating stares.  
  
He handed me my hair straightener, and, unsure of what to do exactly, I attempted a smile, reminding myself that he was not (innocent until proven guilty) a creepy stalker.  
  
"Thanks." I said gruffly. "Quite decent of you actually. It was only a hair straightener, after all."  
  
"You're welcome." I winced. His hair was sticking up in odd places where no hair should stick. Period.  
  
"Do you want a drink, perhaps? Fighting off crebain, nasty work and all that." I said, rummaging around in my pack and displaying a bottle of chardonnay.  
  
"Sure."  
  
And that was that. It's not like I'm going to become his gay lover or anything(Ack!), but we can be friends.  
  
9:45 p.m. : ooph. chardonay bloody wonderfulll. aragorrn qiuvte desent bloke after alllll. isss heir off some deeead chappieee. oooops, hehehehe. Not supposssed toooo tell. ugh. Tumbled overrrrrrrr.  
*Individual Thanks to the Wonderful People Who Reviewed, From the Most Recent to the Very First*  
  
Sirius Black - You know I love you too in a completely friendly non-gay way!! Awww, laryngitis sucks! I hope you're feeling better by the time I actually post this chapter! : ) No hobbits here, I know! Next chapter, THEN we will find out the Frodo-Sam thing. Will Legolas quit smoking? Probably not. And as to Aragorn's stares...*creppy music plays*  
  
Normal human being - Damn, you're good too! Though you may hate Bridget Jones' diary, its not very similar, only the format, so it's all good! (I don't think that sentence made sense...oh well, hehe!) You're a genius too! And good job on not molesting Legolas!! *gives normal human being a not molesting Legolas award*  
  
Minnie Mouse - I'm glad you love it! I DID write a teeny weeny bit more, as you can see, but unfortunately a very SMALL teeny bit. Thanks bunches for reviewing - they REALLY MAKE MY DAY!!  
  
Vesha - Thanks for the compliment on my story!! I don't know WHAT Legolas will do without Mariah Carey! Perhaps Whitney Houston? But Whitney Houston was on crack! WHO WILL BE LEGOLAS' MUSICAL RELATIONSHIP ROLE MODEL?!  
  
Black cat - I'm glad you think its funny! Yes, everyone IS GAY, but seemingly not Legolas, which defies about ¾ of the stories on fanfiction! Now you PROMISED to review, I'm waiting for it!! *bites nails anxiously*  
  
The Famous Chibi - Cola - I know! Poor Leggy! But torturing him will be all for the best, I assure you! = ) When are you going to update your story?! WHEN!!!!!!!! I MUST KNOW!!!!!!!! *runs off into the sunset screaming 'I MUST KNOW!'*  
  
Lila - Glad you think its cute, I HOPED people would like it but I'm not so sure about this chapter...= ( I continued though, look! *points to computer screen* See? Hooray!  
  
Manicgirl - You shouldn't like this? But that makes it forbidden and therefore all the more enticing! At any rate, glad you DO like it, and I wrote more! I DID, I DID!  
  
Poohjah-Namille - Thank you for you're v. kind review! I've seen the movies too and they're just hilarious, aren't they? I liked him smoking too, but unfortunately it's not in the chapter. In the next, I PROMISE!  
  
Kitty Maxwell - Almost busted a gut? Oh my! Yep, Legolas is straight, I couldn't allow someone that hot to be gay! There must be hope! THANKS FOR THE REVIEW!  
  
Freakness For Dummies - First of all, I really like your name. Freakness for Dummies. It's awesome. = ). I tried to make it amusing, but I wasn't sure if it worked. Thanks a bunch of coconuts!  
  
Aragorn - lover - I love Aragorn toooooooo!!!! Thanks for the review, glad you think its cute, and I wrote more! I WROTE MORE!!!! HOORAY!  
  
I'm lovin it - My very first reviewer! I wrote! I wrote! I hope you think this one's as funny as the first!! *crosses fingers* I hope!!!!  
*Last Author's Note, I Promise* OH PLEASE REVIEW!! 


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